Saturday, January 25, 2014

Chaos, Erraticism, and Puzzle Pieces

Every so often my brain shuts down almost entirely, except for one thing it wants to mull over. It does this because there's something in a specific topic I need to understand, or come to terms with, or figure out the why of. It's something of an instinctual mechanism. I don't notice the triggers, most of the time. I can't always figure out the triggers afterwards. And, I don't always complete the analysis in a timely manner. I don't always get time and mental space to gnaw at the bones of the topic until it gives up its secrets. Sometimes I need assistance analyzing, because I can't see every angle all the time, and I don't always get that assistance, either. You know how life goes... stuff gets in the way of other stuff, until there's just... lots(too much) of stuff.

I just know, that if my mind cuts everything else out, to the point that it is a ridiculous effort just to -want- to focus on anything else, even for a small amount of time, that there is a reason, a need, to pore over the topic under the proverbial microscope.

The topic this time? A once-friend and (truly, in the worst sense - no offense, Mags!) wicked witch. Wicked Witch acted for a time as a big sister to me, which was both balm and bane at times. We connected in areas that I'd never had someone to connect to before. She was the only one who understood certain aspects of my being, the only one I could talk to about certain things, and also a buffer between me and others around me, during a huge transition. She took it on herself to be that buffer, to shield me from the possible (probable) problems that might have arisen from the over-enthusiasm of other friends around me during said transition (i.e. getting married and moving to a new town, in a new state, with no-one I was truly familiar with around me). I both appreciated and detested her intervention. I would have to face certain things at some point or another (like the fact that two of the female friends in the group I had married into had, at one time, dated and/or been engaged to my now ex-husband). But I was glad for the fact that I didn't have to face it all at once. She protected me from the worst of it, though now I wonder if perhaps that protection didn't harm, in the long run. Ah, well, we are never given to know the might-have-beens...

So it was no wonder, when Wicked Witch became such a friend.

And then SHTF (Sh*t Hit The Fan). You know, things happen. Especially in a group of close-knit friends who have known each other for varying numbers of years. She pissed some of them off, they pissed her off... she and her man moved away (which they had been planning for a year anyway), and things just kind of blew over. Though, to hear them tell it, Wicked Witch had been actively screwing everyone over in one way or another over the years. I can't judge; I wasn't there, but I know who I'm inclined to believe, at this point.

And then more SHTF. My life exploded in directions I had never envisioned. Wicked Witch had predicted it; she once said I was young, and would never stay with my husband. She said it wouldn't last, and I, with the certainty of overconfident youth, shook my head and shrugged and forgot about it. Well, Wicked Witch, you were right about that, at the very least. When I first began the laborious and (unnecessarily)protracted process of leaving my husband, she was there for me, despite the previous SHTF. She listened, and gave sage advice as she was wont to do, which was echoed by my acupuncturist(who is also a spiritual and sweet, wise lady in her own way), and a counselor I trusted. My best friend agreed that it was sound advice, so I(and my Dragon) tried to follow it. I moved in with Wicked Witch, with plans to settle things with my (now-ex-)husband and then move forward with my life, before publicizing certain things I'm not proud of, but they happened and I have to live with it and move on if I can. Demons like that -have- to be laid to rest sooner or later, or they eat us alive, one bloody little sharp-toothed nibble after another.

So I(we) tried. My Dragon and I couldn't avoid each other, it was... impossible. Wicked Witch aided and abetted the secrecy, with her silence and then by inviting my Dragon to visit us for her birthday (I was still -technically- married at this stage. Hence the not-proud-but-dealing-with-it thing). Let me make that additionally clear: she invited him. She was HELPING. And, according to what we have been told by those involved, everyone at that damned birthday party knew, because she had told them. So we played out this farce of pretending to just be friends during her party, while everyone there looked at us sideways and made the entire day bloody awkward, and we had no idea why.

And then, after some things were said and I decided it was no longer in my (or Wicked Witch's) best interest to stay, I moved to my Mom's house, after duly discussing it with the (almost) ex-husband (the little ones were supposed to be staying with me at that point, and I felt that it would be best if my Mom was around, so when I got a job, there was help to be had, as I couldn't afford daycare). Almost-Ex agreed with me, that I needed assistance. (Though he would have preferred I go to my Dad's, but there are, sometimes, things a Mom can do that a Dad cannot.) I needed help and support that Wicked Witch couldn't provide, working long hours and all. I was, once again, trying to do the right thing. No hard feelings... I and my girls had needs and I had to do something to meet them. It was the grown-up, responsible, logical Mommy-decision to make. Or at least, that's how I felt about it.

I guess Wicked Witch didn't agree. No sooner than I had left, then she had gone running to the (almost) ex with a twisted sob story of events, mostly untrue, which catapulted a squishy, wriggling entropic cascade failure into my lap. I don't know why she did it. I am not sure I want to know. She acted like she wanted to help me, and she did (or so I thought) and then set us up for a betrayal of epic proportions. If I had been smart, I would have known better. I should have known better, after other... things. The others, my friends, had tried to warn me. Other events should have taught me better, but in the moment... bah! How can we explain the things that we choose, when the Moment is upon us? In point of fact, one of my friends asked me point blank, "why her?" Wicked Witch was, I thought, a neutral party and would have no stake in the goings-on, and thus was "safe," but I was wrong.

I don't seek to apportion blame. This series of... heh... unfortunate events... has weighed heavily on my mind this evening, and I don't know why. Perhaps it is that very lack of comprehension of Wicked Witch's motivation that eats at me so.

I know I miss the companionship. She is one of two fellow women whom I have been able to share what I consider "girly" moments with on a regular basis. She and I drank together, went clubbing together, shopped together... well, you get the idea. There have been others here and there, isolated moments of connection, but Wicked Witch was one of two. The other is refusing to acknowledge my existence for reasons irrelevant to Wicked Witch. I realize that this whole "girly" thing is partially my own problem, and I could go into analyzing -that- particular issue, but I've already written enough drivel for now. I have no one, now, except my Dragon. I mean that quite literally! No friend to call up and hang out with. No girlfriend to call in the middle of the night and cry with.  Again, I can admit my own fault in that area, but at the same time... I don't think I'm the only one to blame for the lack. I have both lost and been abandoned, in the same breath, by the same people (and myself). The problem I have with it, is that I don't think it was for the right reasons. On either side(s).

I don't know how to talk about this, not now, so long after it happened. I don't know how to apologize. I don't know if it'll mean anything if I do, and I don't know how to ask. Well. I -am- sorry, but I don't know if it matters now.

I don't know why this has come up. I don't know why I've chosen to post this here. Except that I said once, months ago, that truth would come out, and not everyone would necessarily like it. And my dear friend Magaly told me that, often, anonymity in catharsis could be (would be) a saving grace. So here you have it, friends. I don't know if anyone who knows the Wicked Witch will read this... I think there's a 50/50 chance of it - hell, there's an even chance of herself reading this, and that makes me giggle a little - but I feel a little better for getting this out of my head.

In the words of River Tam: "It isn't mine, and I shouldn't have to carry it."

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