Saturday, July 27, 2013

Fly High and Dance with the Storms

I have had a rough couple of days.

Don't get me wrong; I got a lot done that needed doing. I feel accomplished on one hand, but on the other... I am discouraged, dejected, and frustrated. I have had some not-so-old injuries gnaw their ugly, bloody way upward, to chew on the base of my brainstem like some sort of Star Trek parasite...

*ahem* Let me elucidate: These past few days have seen me re-storing my things that have been in storage for... um... three years now, I believe. We'd had them in a not-so-solid structure, and now they are in a much more solid, mice-proof (hopefully), ventilated storage structure. There was mouse poop and mold and mildew EVERYWHERE. My middle daughter's old baby clothes and blankets are ruined. My easel was ruined (insert sobbing sounds here) due to mold. I spent most of today washing clothes and praying my nice things were not ruined (which I believe they are NOT!), and scrubbing mold and mildew off my furniture. (With a homemade cleaner - witch hazel, lemon juice, lemon essential oil, lavender essential oil, tea tree oil, and water. Best stuff in the world.)

The upsides: my clothes survived, so I don't have to live in two pairs of pants anymore. My books are just fine. And the rest of it is pretty safe.

The rough part? Having to face the fact that I've been living out of a suitcase for three years, with no end in sight because of... well. There are many factors. Most of them I... we... have little to no control over. (Ask me why, before you jump to conclusions!) I miss my books. They were... are... my best friends. Always have been. I miss painting. I miss having a space to set up my bead board and metal clay tools. I don't know when I'll have that again. I have cried so many times the past few days that I lost count.

I am grieving because we were never given a chance... to explain, to show what we can do, to live on our own unaided. That's the difference, here; we are striving for that, in spite of what it may look like to those who assume they know everything. We are trying to find ways to live, on our own, to support ourselves and exceed necessity, to not live off of what other people can give us. There is no make-believe world. We know, better than many, how hard the world is right now. We are lucky, so lucky, to have a roof over our heads right now, even if it is... difficult. There are no employment possibilities; the county we live in has limited growth and more people unemployed than there are jobs available. The jobs are gone as soon as we learn of them. Only something crazy and creative and totally outside the box will save us, but that requires help and support, because we have no resources to work with or purchase things that are needed, and no one who is willing and/or able to assist in that department. My Dragon is an inventor, and a crazy brilliant one (think Tesla), but has few tools, and no materials. Can you imagine how frustrated he is?

So I fly a little higher with the dragons, and dance with the storms in defiance and joy. Bare my teeth at the cackles of derision and howl in their ears, make those snide faces run for the hills in fright, where Coyote can taunt them some more. Dig a little deeper, carve and paint the bones, with my fingernails and my own blood if need be. Because that's all I've got left to work with, and I'll be damned if I let those bones go to dust from disuse. Beware the day the flesh and skin grow back over them; it will be the day that many things come unraveled and burn to ashes, and something new and bright emerges. Hope that you may take flight with it, because if you don't, it will leave you behind and never look back.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Sparks

strike a spark
against the blade
in the darkness absolute
rasp the stone
across the edge
make it ready
for the battle
strike the sparks
from blade to oil
catch the flame
in your hand
and hold it high