Thursday, May 23, 2013

Past and Future Secrets

Some of you may or may not have noticed that I deleted several posts from my blog. If you hadn't noticed, don't worry about it; however, this post is still relevant. I've been... purging. Sort of a soul-detox; I went through my Facebook friends list. I deleted those posts. Next up is my Yahoo address book... not looking forward to that one. I might even just start over with a new e-mail. We'll just have to see what happens.

I realized something over the past 24 hours... well, probably closer to 36, at this point. Amongst the delirium of intermittent sleeplessness as I attempt to get the dragonling to actually sleep at night...

-ahem. She has had a bad habit of forcing herself in any way possible to stay up until about 2am or later, no matter what time we get her up in the morning. Like today for example; we got her up around 9-10am, were out of the house all day, and she only napped for about 45 mins amongst this. So about 6-ish this evening, she passed out and so did we (we'd been up all the night before). And she woke up at almost exactly 11pm, an hour and a half ago. She will probably continue to be up all night. This is how it works every time I try to fix her sleep schedule; I end up exhausted and she wins the battle cause I just can't take not getting any sleep! anyways-

Amongst the wacky-sleeping-habit-induced delirium, rainy days, stressing over money and gas and... well, you get the idea... and facing of ugly truths, I have come to a realization, a moment of Coyote-induced satori, if you will. That wicked canine has been at it again in my life and I think I may have finally gotten the message. "Do something crazy and scary, and see what happens!" (See my post on Coyote Medicine for more on that concept.)

You see, my grandmother (my mom's mother, who is a zealously religious old bat, but means well and has interesting insights sometimes in spite of the brain damage from years of bad prescriptions; not being mean, it's just the truth and I love her regardless) looked at me some weeks back and goes, "You're like an airplane on the runway. Your engine's revved, you're all lined up, but you haven't got the go-ahead from the tower. Something's holding you back. You need to figure out what it is."  I looked at her funny, figuring she was making not-so-veiled references to my current relationship status (that side of the family disapproves of most of my life choices... mostly because they make assumptions instead of actually asking me what's going on in my life. Seriously, how can you judge a person and their choices without first getting their perspective??). After a moment - she let me really dig my own assumption deep, the old Crone - she smiled at me and said, "It's not [Dragon] who's holding you back, and it's not yourself. You need to figure out who it is."

I've been pondering this ever since. Because, you see, there are very few people actually involved in mine and Dragon's life, so figuring out who's holding us back has been an interesting process. There are a lot of people trying to tell us what to do and how to do it, but very few actually trying to be part of it, if that distinction makes sense. There have been some people who could come under that description, but while it made sense, it never quite felt accurate, to me. So I thought and thought, and because of something that happened in the past 36 hours, I think I've realized what she meant.

Don't worry, I'm drawing it all together, just keep reading ;)

So as I said, I've deleted several posts. The subject matter was very similar in all the ones I deleted; I was expressing my point of view, my emotions and frustrations, about some of the things visited upon me and my two older daughters over the past three years, without actually making public the inner details of the truth of the situation. Now, thanks to this moment of satori, I am considering making every last gory, horrific detail very public. Because I have realized that the deck is ridiculously stacked against me, and it no longer matters how I feel about something, if the one reading/listening doesn't understand the why of those emotions.

These things connected to my frustrations, my hurts, my anguish and anger and sorrow for my children and my love, all have to do with family and those I thought were close friends, and the truth of the major events of not only the past three years, but the seven before that. It should begin at the beginning, and to reach full understanding you must read through to the end. The last ten years of my life have been a painful journey. I've come to understand that the things that mean everything to me don't mean squat to most of the people I've known. I've come to a place where I'm glad to be free of the misconception that I was worth it to them.

I feel the need to chronicle these ten years. I feel the need to let it all out... as Magaly says, "drag those monsters out from under the bed kicking and screaming into the light of day," but I am terrified that somehow even this will be twisted and turned and used against me to further others' ends... And those ends seem to have been all pointed at keeping me away from my older two daughters.

My theory is this: dragging these monsters out into the light will make them fizzle and dry up and seem much less scary. And perhaps, just perhaps, we might see that the monsters aren't monsters after all. I don't want to send private emails to those involved, because then it's still secrets (and I've tried that; it doesn't seem to work out well for either myself or them). And secrets have been my worst downfall.

The drawback is that I know there's going to be a lot of people (who may or may not actually read my blog) who will not want any of this written out. Some will not want their actions to come to light. Others will not want to know the uncomfortable and unpleasant truths that I know about things and people that they care about.

Understand, this isn't a threat. I'm not being petty or vengeful or any such thing. I am simply tired of secrets, and tired of not being heard. I have not once been asked for my side of the story. I have not volunteered it before now because I was afraid it would get used against me. But...

But maybe it's well past time for secrets to no longer be secret, come what may.

This is your chance to weigh in, just by the way.

2 comments:

  1. I don't have the best digestive system, and my kidneys are nothing to speak about. So every year or so I get as bloated as a water balloon, and have to do something to fix the problem. Prune, oranges, sunflower seeds... and that kind of of thing help. Also a drastic change in diet (eating raw for two weeks) and exercising a lot.

    The results aren't pretty, but my gods it feels good about it. Sometimes the process hurts, too. I crave my usual food, you can only eat so many oranges before the begin to taste no so appetizing, and prunes are evil--I'm sure of it. But it still feels good, the natural purging of unwanted and unneeded waste.

    Start slow, dear friends. Leave out names. Change locations, genders, and any kind of personal characteristic that might hurt you legally. Then write on. It will feel good even if the ones who did the uglies don't read it (but they usually do, and even if you say that the "character" in question has three heads and crocodile teeth, the bastards recognize themselves).

    Again, take it one step at the time. Mix it up a bit. Throw bits of curious nonsense in the middle--too much might make it too overwhelming.

    Then write on. Drag the monsters out. They'll die screaming... or they might surprise you, and friend you. Monsters are weird like that ;-)

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    Replies
    1. I would not be sorry if the "characters" in question recognized themselves.... I am just so past ready to not be looked at crosswise because of all the misinformation and assumptions flying around behind my back...

      I can see little fairytale shorts coming out of this. Reminiscent of your Grim Daisies and suchlike. I don't often write short stories... I'm much too long winded, in case you hadn't guessed. But it might be the perfect format... hmmm...

      -Fox

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