Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Cut to the Bone

The more important the subject and the closer it cuts to the bone of our hopes and needs, the more we are likely to err in establishing a framework for analysis.
-Stephen Jay Gould

 I see many metaphors here for my life, from making jewelry to trying to fulfill a simple... and not so simple... promise to my eldest daughter. So where are the bare bones? I have so little to work with right now that you'd think it would be easy to find them. But I am so twisted up from the hurts inflicted on me and my man and my children... and the almost total abandonment from people, especially family, I thought cared... added to the physical endangerment also recently inflicted on the three of us... and the fact that I haven't had time to sit down and order my thoughts... that I hardly know where to begin digging anymore, for the bones I had buried to keep them safe. I am not in an environment conducive to digging, and I don't know how to create safe space and time, when one is bumming space in someone else's livingroom.

Constructing a framework is the same process whether one is making a piece of jewelry, or painting a picture, or putting one's life back together. Certain things are necessary. You need materials, and tools. You need some idea of what the finished product is going to look like. And you need time to work on it.

We have few materials, and even fewer tools (and I'm not talking in a jewelry-type sense, or metaphysical, I mean this in a very practical, mundane sense). We have no idea what the finished product will look like, but we do know what we believe it -should- look like. And we have no time to work on it. Our lives for the past two years have been a trade-off; for having a roof over our heads, we had to take care of the people who owned/rented the roof. Which has left us no time for creating our own life.

And so the bones are left to lie in their shallow graves, untouched and slowly deteriorating, while those who could help us would rather see us be someone else's problem, and are only too happy to leave it that way.

No one should be forced to try and create a life out of what we've been left to work with. I find myself too often seeing only things we don't have... not because I am gravitating towards the negative by choice, but because the things we DO have are so very few. Until yesterday, we didn't even have our own pillows. I have a 20-yr-old car. We have some clothes and tools and my jewelry materials. And that's pretty much it except for our two computers. Which are so old at this point they wouldn't be worth anything to anyone. I have to scrimp just to keep gas in the car.  The worst part is, the list of the things we don't have that we actually need is really rather short.

My Dragon is ridiculously talented, as well as skilled. I like to believe I have some measure of talent as well.  But with nothing to use those talents and skills on, well...

So these are the bones left, that I have to work with.  So few to sew back together, to regrow a life from. How does one resurrect a framework with so few pieces... this cuts to the bone of everything I hold sacred, and I cannot risk an error in this resurrection.

2 comments:

  1. It is difficult to depend on someone else's help. People are not always reliable, and when they are not the ones in need they forget how it feels. To need, to want, not to be able...

    It is one of the reasons why I worry so much about my little brother's wife and their daughter. My sister in law has no job and in the Dominican Republic is very difficult to find work. Her mom and dad have been angels. After my little brother died, they asked her to come to stay with them (she has two other children). My dad, my big brother and I are supporting her and the children right now. But it's hard on her. It was okay to depend on my brother, for he was her husband, but I know it hurts her to take our help.

    I was going to take a year of work and just write fiction. But after my little brother's accident, I've considered to go back to ghostwriting and editing. Writing fiction is enough to support myself (for now) but it won't be enough to help her out.

    I'm rambling... I guess I'm just a bit upset thinking that with all the resources the world has to provide, people are so unwilling to lend a hand to someone in need and who is willing to work.

    I have you, your Dragon and your babes in my prayers.

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    1. We are ever grateful for the prayers. May they come to fruition soon...

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