Wednesday, October 17, 2012


Mayhap it's appropriate that this has occurred, during October, the month of the holiday that my ancestors celebrated their ancestors, and the day the wheel turns to the upward swing of the year.

My grandfather, the only one I've got left, is having some kind of urinary problem. The doctors don't know what's wrong. They're doing tests. Hopefully we find out on Friday what's going on and what they plan to do about it. I hope, but in the meantime I worry. I can't help it... he's family.

Even if he's family that has contributed to my exile, my slander, my existence as a pariah because of lies and misconceptions that no one seems willing to allow me to correct. He's still family, gods damn it all.

And I am minded of my other grandfather, that I lost years ago... I fight tears as I sit here writing. He was the biggest-hearted man I've ever known. He loved us all unswervingly, his four children and myself and my cousins, his grandchildren... and the one great-grandchild he got to know for a little while. He defended us against everyone, even each other, when the moment was necessary. Of my grandparents, perhaps it is a little selfish of me... but I still ask, why Daddy Bob first? Why was he the first to cross the veil between this world and the next?

Family is so precious, too precious. Especially our Old Ones. In a way, our ancestors are all we have. They are where we come from. Our very DNA would not exist if not for them. We owe our lives to them. Celebrate them, in this time when the veil is thin and the other side may hear us more clearly. They have so much life behind them, and so little time, an unknown time, left to us.  It is too precious to let the things between us stay there. I wish, pray, hope for the day that my voice and presence is wanted again, for the day that maybe, just maybe, I correct some of the lies being told about me and I can be part of my family again. Whatever else you may think of me, I love my family and this is never what I wanted. I do want to fix it, but you have to meet me halfway, too.

I adore my grandfather. I ask for prayers, positive energies, and whatever else fits your paradigm to send his way for healing and blessing.

And maybe, while you're at it, pray for a little reconciliation for us, too. All of us.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


My favorite line, from Halloween Town (courtesy of Danny Elfman, of course)

"...this is Halloween
Red 'n' black, slimy green
Aren't you scared?
Well, that's just fine
Say it once, say it twice
Take a chance and roll the dice
Ride with the moon in the dead of night"

Monday, October 8, 2012

Some days...

....I'd just rather not get out of bed. Some days you learn things that make you hate humanity, your own life, or the universe, and not necessarily in that order.

I woke up and got on FB (possibly my first mistake) and checked my email. There's so much BS about voting and voter registration and that sparked the first rant of the day. And I quote, from my FB status:

"ye Gods. if I see one more "vote because it's your right and responsibility" thing I may screech and claw something to shreds. I am abstaining this year. This is my conscientious objection. These are my reasons:

1. Voting for the "lesser of two evils" when neither approved candidate is really "lesser" is not going to do any good. It's just going to continue and encourage the vicious cycle of sto
mping on the American people to benefit the privileged few.

addendum: who the hell "approved" these candidates anyway?? The American people? No!

2. Did we not see from last election that those in power put their choice in office no matter who we vote for? McCain won the popular vote over Obama. That means the majority of the American people wanted McCain. The Electoral College put Obama in office, overriding the majority vote. That means that the individual's vote DOES NOT MATTER. So no, one vote does not make a difference unless you're in the Electoral College.

3. Until a third party puts forward a viable candidate to end the idiotic cycle of duality that never goes anywhere, it's not worth it to me to get worked up over something I can't change.

So I choose not to vote. Hate, deride, and look down your nose at me. But my reasons are valid and you can't really argue with them. And don't tell me I can "write in" a different name. Because that's not going to make a difference any more than voting for an approved candidate is."
The second thing that tweaked me today was when I found out that someone(s) who shall remain nameless are getting money invested in their business, which has only been in existence as an idea for about a month. They're getting about $2000. The thing that irritated me is that I've been trying for YEARS to make a business, or at least a thriving hobby, out of my jewelry, or possibly my other interests. There are a only a few pieces of equipment I need(ed). These few pieces add up to less than $1000. Someone else who shall remain nameless received a nearly-$1000 forge for his birthday once, barely uses the freaking thing (he told me it scared him, in point of fact!), and I couldn't even get a $300-$400 kiln to do bronze and copper Metal Clay work. Or an even cheaper rotary tool. People like me get passed over. People like me have to make their own luck because we don't get help. Why didn't I say anything about it bothering me at the time, you ask? Because I'm not the kind of person who complains just to get what they want. I don't whine. I do, however, smile and take the knocks and keep going. But I feel it all the same. But I don't want to carry it anymore. So: that bothered me. A lot.  It's not fair. Yes, I know, life isn't fair. But people are supposed to be fair to one another. Even more so when you're family.

But that apparently doesn't apply to me.