I've always had a close relationship with Coyote, ever since I was a little girl and my parents bought me a Coyote Stories book at the Anasazi ruins gift shop in New Mexico. He stuck in my head, this image of a slightly ragged coyote with pinion pitch in his fur, trying to outsmart everyone but ending up only outsmarting himself, getting the raw end of the deal and almost never learning his lesson, and his spirits never dampened.
There are a lot of stories about Coyote; he is one of the most respected and most ridiculed totem spirits. His stories are meant to entertain, but also to teach, as all good stories should. He is a creator, and a destroyer. He is a madman and a clown, but also a very wise fool. Genius and idiot savant... and sometimes just plain idiot. He is a thief and a liar, but he only steals what has meaning (in a parable sort of way), and in his lies are found very poignant truths.
I have spent all my life being defined by my surroundings, being defined by my reactions and responses to people, to situations. I have let everything and everyone else define who I am and how I respond. In many cases, it was not how I truly wanted to respond, not what I truly thought, but it was "expected" or "acceptable" so I went ahead and did it because it wasn't worth the battle. Or that's what I thought. Not worth the battle.
And Coyote keeps stepping in, just as soon as I'm feeling comfortable and safe again, just as soon as I start to stagnate because I'm letting myself be defined. He steps in and POOF, everything changes. I no longer have a safe, stable environment. Nothing to rely on except one person... that one person who tends to agree with Coyote - I'm an idiot, a fool in the best tradition of Coyote stories, and I just need to get over it. Coyote's lesson is to step out and -do- in spite of being afraid. Coyote tells me to forget my fear and just do something. Even if it's the wrong something, it's still better than sitting still and howling over spilt stars.
So this is me... getting over it. Nothing matters anymore, but the next foot put forward, and the one after that. One step at a time, never looking back, even if I fall in a cactus again and come up covered in pitch and dirt. And I laugh a madman's laugh in defiance of opposition, a wild Coyote cackle that just might chill your spine... yip yip yeeeeooowwww!
But I do look forward, to the future I still envision. It will happen. It will come to pass, come hell or high water, in spite of anything anyone can throw at me. Just you wait.